There are times that my life cannot be defined by anything else than being a mom. Like patting your kid’s diaper butt to see if they pooped, because you really don’t feel like sticking your nose in there.
So here are some funny stories from moms. Because who doesn’t LOVE crazy mom stories?
You Know You’re a Mom If…
- You realize half way through a party that you forgot to shave one of your legs.
- In order to dig the lip gloss out from the bottom of your purse, you first pull out a diaper, some plastic keys, a bunch of cheerios, and a sock.
- You feel naked leaving the house without tissues.
- A trip to the grocery store alone feels like a vacation.
- If your child begins to puke in public so you cup your hands and catch it instead of backing away.
- You go away for a romantic weekend with your husband and a pacifier falls out of your pocket.
- You are introduced to someone & say, “Nice to meet you.” They reply…”Yeah, I’ve babysat your kids before.”
- Date night ends with a trip to the grocery store and home by 9, because you are both exhausted.
- Going to the bathroom is a spectator sport.
- Taking your kid(s) anywhere is the biggest task of the week.
- You fall asleep in the dentist chair…. (This may or may not have happened to me this week!)
- You caught barf mid air and then realized it wasn’t even your kid’s.
- You stop using a purse, and instead start throwing everything in the diaper bag.
- You rip your shirt putting your baby carrier on, but it’s ok because you forgot to cut the tags off anyway.
- You justify letting your kids go 2-3 days without a bath by telling yourself that the soil probiotics are good for their health.
God made dirt. Dirt don’t hurt. Pick it up and let it work.
- Going to the dentist feels like a relaxing afternoon!
- Proclamations such as “Don’t put poop in your mouth!” become normal and regular.
- You have to go to the park to dig up stag beetle heads. Boys will be boys.
- You get to work and realize you have one blue shoe and one black shoe on. How I feel looking for my shoes in the morning.
- You are meeting with the pastors wife and digging in your purse for a pen. Instead of the needed pen, you pull out a french fry and pop it in your mouth, without hesitation.
- You open your purse and there are snacks, toy cars, or Legos.
- You have goldfish crumbs in your back seat.
- You leave the house with 4-5 bags and realize after you drive off that you left your purse near the front door, thankfully inside your house. And now you need to go back home for fear you might get pulled over and not have your license on you.
- Eating hot food starts feeling unnatural.
- You snap at someone else’s kid for calling out the name “mommy” because you thought it was one of yours lol.
- You completely forget to eat a meal… Or two. But your kids have been eating all day.
- It’s a completely normal sentence to say “ouch I stepped on a car.”
- You eat half a leftover sandwich (that you don’t even like) because finishing your kids is easier than making your own😂
- You know you’re a mom if you hide in the kitchen to eat cookies during the day 🙂
- Nursed a baby while completely asleep.
- You’re kids have caught you crying because you’re just so frustrated.
- You’ve hallucinated that your 2 months old was plotting with someone to make sure you don’t sleep.
- You have hidden candy or treat stashes in your house because you don’t want to share with your kids.
- You’ve walked out the door without your purse or car/house keys.
- You have found yourself in tears for no other reason than the fact that your babies are growing up. Yet, you just cannot be more grateful for these little people who have completely changed your life for the better.
- You can find all the baby’s clothes after laundry day but none of your own.
- You remember to feed the kid but not yourself, and you don’t realize until dinner.
- There are more selfies of your kid in your phone than of you.
- Someone asks what perfume you’re wearing and you reply “baby spit up.”
- Shaving your legs is a long term goal.
- Cold cups of coffee for breakfast are normal.
If you have time for warm coffee, I envy you. Enjoy it while you can.
- You get used to flashing your boobs in public. Which we all know promotes great body image 😂
- You walk out of the store and a woman calls out, “Ma’am.” You immediately think, “Oh my God! I left my kid somewhere!” Only to realize that your kid isn’t even with you. And the woman was calling someone else.
- When you are out and about in public and suddenly realize you are wearing slippers.
I was able to collaborate with some great moms to come up with this list. To all of you, Thank you so much!
What about you? How do you know if you are a mom? What great “mom-brain” stories do you have?
Alesia is a working mom who fights her way through life, depression, and just plain stupidity. She strives to show others that it is possible to be a bad-ass while you feel like you’re losing your mind. A Bottle of Sanity is a space in which working moms may find easy recipes, parenting tips, and sanity.